What Not to Say
Sometimes people ask me what they can say to their widowed friends.
Let's start with the "what NOT to say" answer. I heard it in the sermon at church yesterday and my heart responded "So true! So true!"
In the story of the blind man in John 9:1-17 the Pharisees ask the wrong question: who sinned that this man was born blind--in other words--why did this happen?
Asking Why? or worse yet Who sinned? are the worst things you can say when people are suffering--whether that person is yourself or another. If you're going to ask this question--well, may as well just get out a whip. Same thing.
You know this is true. Sometimes there is no answer revealed to earthly eyes--as was Job's case. Just look at Job: God devotes an entire book proving how useless these comforters were once they opened their mouths and tried to explain away Job's suffering.
Sometimes there is no answer worthy of suffering. When my first husband died you'd think it would have been a comfort if people had been saved at his funeral. Sure, that would have been nice, but it certainly didn't make sense enough to be of comfort. I don't care how many people might have been saved--it wasn't worth my husband dying, although he gladly would have. Jesus died to save us, and that's enough death. That's the only time death made any sense or brought any comfort.
And then there are those who think our suffering is due to sin or lack of faith. If we had "enough" faith, or would repent of some sin we could move mountains. Tom got this pitch when Marilyn was dying of cancer. They could "overcome with enough faith." Ha! There are many things on earth that faith overcomes, but God's will is not one of them. As far as thinking there's sin in someone else's life--how about removing the log from your own eye first?
So what can you say to someone who's suffering?
Unless you have the sort of relationship that has earned you the right to be heard, you don't need to say anything besides "I'm so sorry." Don't even tell them you'll pray for them--just pray for them--then you can tell them. What was really cool for me was one woman I met for the first time months later--she told me she had prayed for me every day since she heard Bruce died. Try doing that for people you know who are suffering. Don't look for any self-gratification. Suffering people can smell a fake a mile away.
If you still need to say something beyond "I'm so sorry," say it with your hands and your feet. Put your money where your mouth is. Show that you care by paying for stuff anonymously--pay their utility bills or buy them gift cards to the stores where they shop. Invite them to dinner, take them to a movie . . . Quit being so darn busy and selfish with your own little life that you can't figure out how to really help! (That's for those of you who thought I was going to get you off the hook with a quick little 3-step how-to. Sorry, not going to do that).
Real compassion = time + commitment
I'd love to hear your comments or arguments. Click on the comment word below to respond.
WRITING UPDATE: My writing day this week should be Thursday. Even if something else comes up, please pray that God would annoint my words in the following ways:
Let your speech always be with grace --Col. 4:6
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold . . . Prov. 25:11,12
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good . .
impart grace to the hearers--Eph. 4:29
Thanks for checking in on me.
Let's start with the "what NOT to say" answer. I heard it in the sermon at church yesterday and my heart responded "So true! So true!"
In the story of the blind man in John 9:1-17 the Pharisees ask the wrong question: who sinned that this man was born blind--in other words--why did this happen?
Asking Why? or worse yet Who sinned? are the worst things you can say when people are suffering--whether that person is yourself or another. If you're going to ask this question--well, may as well just get out a whip. Same thing.
You know this is true. Sometimes there is no answer revealed to earthly eyes--as was Job's case. Just look at Job: God devotes an entire book proving how useless these comforters were once they opened their mouths and tried to explain away Job's suffering.
Sometimes there is no answer worthy of suffering. When my first husband died you'd think it would have been a comfort if people had been saved at his funeral. Sure, that would have been nice, but it certainly didn't make sense enough to be of comfort. I don't care how many people might have been saved--it wasn't worth my husband dying, although he gladly would have. Jesus died to save us, and that's enough death. That's the only time death made any sense or brought any comfort.
And then there are those who think our suffering is due to sin or lack of faith. If we had "enough" faith, or would repent of some sin we could move mountains. Tom got this pitch when Marilyn was dying of cancer. They could "overcome with enough faith." Ha! There are many things on earth that faith overcomes, but God's will is not one of them. As far as thinking there's sin in someone else's life--how about removing the log from your own eye first?
So what can you say to someone who's suffering?
Unless you have the sort of relationship that has earned you the right to be heard, you don't need to say anything besides "I'm so sorry." Don't even tell them you'll pray for them--just pray for them--then you can tell them. What was really cool for me was one woman I met for the first time months later--she told me she had prayed for me every day since she heard Bruce died. Try doing that for people you know who are suffering. Don't look for any self-gratification. Suffering people can smell a fake a mile away.
If you still need to say something beyond "I'm so sorry," say it with your hands and your feet. Put your money where your mouth is. Show that you care by paying for stuff anonymously--pay their utility bills or buy them gift cards to the stores where they shop. Invite them to dinner, take them to a movie . . . Quit being so darn busy and selfish with your own little life that you can't figure out how to really help! (That's for those of you who thought I was going to get you off the hook with a quick little 3-step how-to. Sorry, not going to do that).
Real compassion = time + commitment
I'd love to hear your comments or arguments. Click on the comment word below to respond.
WRITING UPDATE: My writing day this week should be Thursday. Even if something else comes up, please pray that God would annoint my words in the following ways:
Let your speech always be with grace --Col. 4:6
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold . . . Prov. 25:11,12
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good . .
impart grace to the hearers--Eph. 4:29
Thanks for checking in on me.
Comments
I agree with all your points. You make alot of real good ones. To think it would be a comfort that Bruce's death saved some people...that IS backwards and yes, it IS Jesus' death that saves us only. Another comment I also want to particularly agree with is that the will of God CAN take priority over our own faith even alot of it! (in Marilyn's case) Very good points you made and a real great start to your widow's blog if you still want to do it!:)Widows everywhere I'm sure need you! Love ya, your cousin
I find people in the very beginning! But no one visits or calls. I am alone so much that I cannot bare it. I am seeking the Lord through it. But long for love with skin on.
My prayer is that God brings a husband. At this age group other people do not have time for others they are more interested in their own lives.
It is very hard.